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| when i close my eyes
i see notes as colors. they paint the pictures of my memories. usually theyre happy, actually theyre all happy. birght blues greens and reds. its sad in the sense that i can never fully form the entire picture..but i enjoy it while it lasts, even if its just for a second. bittersweet is the word...story of my life in many ways.
so i lie back, my face up and i cant see anything. its dark but the ceiling is my canvas. i form whatever i think about at the moment. i thought about the time i studied at barnes and noble, and how i felt there wasnt enough time in the world. not enough to escape my mediocrity, but for some reason i still have fond feelings for that time.
or about the endless drives in my 95 camry. sometimes wasting gas aimlessly. it was the most refreshing thing to do. the feeling of not being constricted by expectation. i guess thats what salvation is but oddly ive lost that feeling of liberation. mmm well not entirely but enough for me to notice.
haha anyways i want to make a movie about my life. a movie thats real. like really real. like so hauntingly real that its beautiful. so beautiful it makes you envy yet be thankful at the same time. mmm i feel better already.
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| Dear Xanga,
today started out bad, and I was kind of bothered by things out of my control. but i feel pretty good right now. mmm i like it when people notice things about me. i wonder if thats feminin.
diso
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| Dear Xanga,
It's surprisingly eerie when I can't understand my emotions. Surprising because i feel like im well in tune with myself. eerie because it scares me a little. ignorance is bliss. it may not be true joy or long lasting joy, but its definitely bliss. in the end youre ultimately accoutable for things, but living in the moment is so attractive. i guess i pine for a life without consequences, i life when i can start over at any time and in any way i want. but in reality that takes away the joy of it. if there are no bad results, than that inheritly nullifies the meaning of the good ones. maybe regret isnt constant. maybe regret is just decisions you haven't come to terms with yet, meaning anyone can overcome their regret if they really wanted to. especially me since i believe in providence, for me to regret is for me to believe that things could have turned out differently under my power. mmm i feel a little bit better now. i hope tomorrow will be a good day =)
diso
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| Dear Xanga,
So I haven't been faithful to you I'm sorry! I don't really have anything profound to write (not that I'm actually profound, it's just that I feel profound) nor do I have anything on my mind. I'm writing out of loyalty haha so appreciate it! These days, I run through a wide variety of emotions and I don't wake up always feeling happy. Maybe its the consequences of me worrying alot but sometimes things just don't feel right. I get excited about life occasionaly and studying and school work and blah blah blah and that in itself is exciting because I usually don't believe in school too much, but at other times it feels very pointless. Anyways what's on my heart isn't actually any of this. Maybe I just rambled on it so I can figure out a way to slowly warm up to my main topic buttt it's too hard. I want to love people again. I used to...I used to whole heartedly just love people. But i've gotten cold. Hopefully this is an anomaly, not an inevitability cause it seems I'm destined for not just independence but like a...bitterness? I don't know its the strangest thing. Sometimes I honestly get agoraphobic and it's like what the? At other times my heart moves just by being surrounded with different personalities. Meh either way whoever reads this can pray for me about this. I want to consistently love people again. mmm I hope I'm not coming off too peculiar but it's not everyday you get headline material so be thankful haha.
love, diso
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| Dear Xanga,
I didn't intend to be writing in this so soon. Things however, have took a random turn quite quickly. Mmm, I'm a big believer in providence so it's quite interesting how it turned out. I basically abandoned my conviction yesterday and decided to undertake the previous burden again. Well, burdens a funny thing for me because things never start out as burdens. They start out as fountains. Corny, but I guess i mean these fountains represent sustainability and possibility. i guess even fountains need maintenance once in a while, haha the analogies are just mind boggling today aren't they. barf. Oh another quick sidenote, though I decided to just write for myself yesterday....that route kind of got me no where and although it felt kind of good to be cryptic and tease potential readers from ever knowing what the hell i am talking about, i already destroyed rule 3 by being the farthest thing from coherent. so! in order to adhere to my rules I decided to try and be more eloquent and pose atleast somewhat of a semblance to an actual blog. Basically what I am trying to say since Im awful at describing things right now! is that i'm going try to make sense and bring some entertainment to readers as well. Not for the sake of them of course but i guess if i use an outside perspective as a standard then I myself will also be entertained probably? right? w/e i dont care. anyways...i think im slowly learning to take things slow and to be careful. well its ironic that with this particular friend that im writing about, i usually get impatient because this person is usually sooo slow in everything! literally i feel like this person lives slightly slower and i know why too which drives me crazy. its not precaution out of some kind of wisdom but rather its just a desire for control, that even if things go bad, as long as he constantly aware and somewhat tide to the downfall of whatevers going on at the moment, hell feel safer knowing just what the heck is going on. anyways today he was helping me with something important to me and i guess i really appreciated that she was taking the time regardless of whether she meant to or not. mmm with that said i hate stubborn people. if i said that in public, there would be hoardes of people looking to attack me saying that i too am stubborn and while it may be easier for me to just say yea haha ok i refuse to capitulate! im not that stubborn! im just sure of my convictions. if i wasnt i wouldnt fight for them or appear so rigid but im more than willing to listen and change. ok so i may get caught assuming at times and then acting out too much on my preconceived notions or presumptions or w/e you want to call it but thats also tied to confidence. my confidence in being able to analyze and discern situations. i think im someone whos very self aware and aware of other people. that doesnt necessarily mean i have everything put together...it just means i guess...i know how messed up i am? haha mmm im running into a logic block! anyways i wish people would realize that theyre being unfair sometimes but its so hard to change something thats been in place. and its not like so easy that you can just change situations or opinions whenever you want, you have to present something people want and not only that, but in a fresh and appealing sort of way. you would think that offering something people want would be appealing enough in itself, inherently appealing, but people are so ridiculous so its not that way. in particular....i guess my presence within the church community is particularly frustrating. i dont think people realize my sometimes fiestyness or friction lets say with eastablished stereotypes stems from a desire to not be the same and help people open their minds. why do we feel like christians have to be acertain way and if those standards arent met than one isnt worthy. its so stupid it just makes me mad. im not talking about compromises either. im sinful in more ways than one, so much more that i could grasp but for the ones i am aware of, i openly acknowledge it. sur ei may try to hide it but its out of guilt and shame. im not talking about the spineless people who compromise what they want just to enjoy life in their minds. people who drink underage make me mad. its not the drinking itself which i personally dont approve but dont really care about. its the twisted logic behind it that upsets me. if something is wrong, its wrong. theres no let me use this for fun because i need to or let me use this to express myself. no. its wrong. i wish people would just stop making up stupid excuses for their lack of a friggin backbone. well with that said, i dont hate the people that i know do these kinds of things. im not saying im not fun of them either, i guess its just i hate the act of it. im aware everyone make mistakes and therefore no one has the right to judge. still petpeeves are petpeeves right? blah...w/e i hope tommorrow is an easier day. im laying on layers and layers of stress on my back right now and it might kill me someday. haha i hope that doesnt happen but oh well. oh for future reference if people do happen to read this. i guess ill add more rules and sorry sarah this isnt personal, you just happen to be the first one to comment.
5) don't respond to comments
i would disable them but i always forget to uncheck to box by the end of the entry and i dont like adding things to my routine anyways
6) don't listen or take into account the comments
i think this is important to because again this blog is for my own entertain and not necessarily even fiction. plus i dont like listening to people when im emotional because i think that most people are stupider than me. haha how pretentious i am, or atleast sound and i guess ill add that this can apply to any future commenters if there are any. the rules will apply to you as well. be coherent dont be a jerk blah blah, dont mind my entries? as in dont take things personally because im simply pouring my heart out into thse things and obviously the heart though powerful is very easily confused corrupted and extreme. so yea there it is. anyways its been fun, if i get bored again ill write tommorrow too gnite
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